


loving in hindsight

by tusktooth



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/F, post ep 77
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 10:30:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20599286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tusktooth/pseuds/tusktooth
Summary: When Jester was a child, her mother told her that, sometimes, you don't truly realize how much you love someone until they're gone.





	loving in hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> i listened to yasha's playlist and started crying so here have this!  
[come say howdy!!!](http://setholiver.tumblr.com/)

Once, when Jester was young, she was talking to her mother about her father, as she often did when she couldn’t fall asleep and was looking for a story to keep her entertained, and her mother said something that she would never truly forget, even if she hadn’t wholly understood it at the time and wouldn’t understand it for years to come.

“I don’t fall in love easily, but I truly loved your father,” Jester’s mother told her as she sat on the edge of her bed and lightly ran her fingers through her hair. “We were going to get married and live a life together outside of Nicodranas. I was ready to give up this beautiful place for him, and still, I hadn’t completely realized how much I truly loved him. It wasn’t until he was gone; until I had lost him, that I fully realized that my heart was his.”

Jester frowned, partially because her mother was sad and partially because she didn’t quite understand how that could be true. “But, Mamma, how could you love him more when he left without you?”

She paused for a moment, as to formulate her response. “When I realized your dad wasn’t coming back to me, my heart shattered. In everything I did, I felt the weight of having lost him. It seemed that everything I looked at reminded me of him in some shape or form. It took me a long time to get over that and, if it weren’t for you, my Little Sapphire, I don’t know if I’d have recovered from it so quickly. Because, while I had lost the man I loved, I had gained a beautiful and talented and kind daughter of my own. A child to love more than I’ve loved anything.”

A smile bloomed across Jester’s face and she leaned up to hug her mother. “I will never leave you, Mamma. I promise.”

And then, she did.

It wasn’t like she really had a choice. Leaving Nicodranas meant that she could carve a path for herself and hopefully return one day when the tales of how she had humiliated that dumb Lord had passed.

This was the first time she started to feel the weight of her mother’s words. Sure, Jester had obviously always known that she loved her mom more than anything in the world, but she felt it more when she was away from Nicodranas with no return date in sight.

Missing her mom was terrible, but she had built new friendships: new people to love. Still, Jester often found herself thinking of her mom throughout her journeys, often babbling on a little too long about her to anyone who might lend an ear or singing her praises to get what she wanted (after all, the Ruby of the Sea was pretty amazing).

Sometimes she hid it, even from herself, like when they first arrived in Zadash and there wasn’t a package waiting for her in the Pillowtrove. She wasn’t completely certain that she would receive the money she asked for, but she pushed back the disappointment and denied the possibility of it not coming, to the inn employee and to herself. Of course, the package did arrive. After all, Jester’s mom missed her just as much as she missed her.

Jester didn’t realize how much she loved the other members of the Mighty Nein until she was captured by Lorenzo, forcibly separated from some of her friends, who she would come to realize were more of a family than anything, and hurt.

Sometimes, her waking moments in the grasp of the Iron Shepherds, Jester couldn’t help but think about how much she missed her friends.

Caleb, who was dirty and often very sad, but didn’t want anyone to know how sad he really was because he didn’t want to burden them. He cared for them just as much as they cared for him, but he hadn’t quite realized it.

Beau, who liked to act tough and above it all, but seemed happiest when she let her hair down and allowed herself to have good fun with Jester and the others.

Nott, who was often a wildcard and had a little bit of a drinking problem, but was the most caring one of them all. She and Jester fit together wonderfully and, once they were reunited, Jester knew that their friendship meant a lot more fun in store for them.

And then there was Mollymauk. Molly, who thought himself to be a terrible person, but was the most kindhearted and inherently good person that Jester had ever met. He and Jester always had fun together, not just because they were the two coolest tieflings in the history of ever, but also because they both knew that sometimes happiness wouldn’t just come to you, that you had to take it for yourself and enjoy it, forgetting that there would be sad times too. He didn’t know much about himself, but still, Jester felt like he was more of a whole person than she could ever hope to be.

Most of them returned to her, freeing them from the cages the Iron Shepherds had thrown them in.

And Molly? Well, she still missed him to this day. She and the others vowed to honor his memory by taking after his example and trying to leave each town a better place than they’d found it. And, even though they messed up sometimes, she still kept that intent at heart.

It wasn’t until months after that that Jester realized the full meaning of fully realizing your love for someone until you had lost them.

Jester had always cared for Yasha. She always knew she was strong and beautiful and kind and that sometimes she was sad and needed space, but she was always glad to be with the Nein when she was.

When Yasha was gone, standing at the side of the Laughing Hand, Jester felt a panging in her heart like never before. She couldn’t believe that Yasha had chosen that because Yasha was  _ good _ and she had almost as much faith in Yasha as she did in the Traveller, which was saying a lot because the Traveller was the coolest god ever. Some of the others seemed less hopeful than she, but she knew, deep in her heart, that the Laughing Hand was controlling Yasha. That she didn’t want this.

When they got back to the Xhorhaus and slept outside in the futile hope that Yasha would break free from the Laughing Hand’s control and come back to them. The entire night, she rolled back and forth, thinking about Yasha and trying not to break down crying. Jester was the happy one. She couldn’t cry, not even when she was alone.

She tried to stop thinking about Yasha, to try and move on, but it was impossible when just about everything reminded her of her. 

Every time she passed the flowers she had painted for her, an act of love before that love was even realized, she felt a harsh squeezing in her chest. Yasha wasn’t here to see those flowers anymore.

Whenever they needed someone strong, she couldn’t help but think of her. Sure, Jester was plenty strong herself, but she couldn’t help but think of how Yasha used her strength, often misjudged as brutish, to help the people she cared about.

When Reani made them all flower crowns, she thought of how much Yasha would have loved one. Maybe Reani would have made her one consisting of blue and bright purple flowers that would make Yasha’s beautiful eyes stand out brightly against her pale skin and black and white hair.

Each day, it seemed like the rest of the Mighty Nein were closer to moving on from her completely. She didn’t come up very often anymore, other than when Jester herself mentioned her, and they were functioning as a group even with that one person missing. Still, Jester felt a hole in her heart, one where the girl who loved flowers and her friends belonged.

And then she had to scry on her and Yasha was doing terrible, terrible things with Omann and the Laughing Hand at her side, wiping out the Cobalt Soul in Zadash. But, all the while, Yasha was crying. Seeing that, Jester knew that she was right. Yasha didn’t want this. They were controlling her or manipulating her or whatever, but what she was doing was hurting her more than her absence was hurting Jester.

Jester needed to save her. She needed to get her back, no matter what it took.

But, for now, Yasha was gone.

Jester loved her more than ever.


End file.
